It’s difficult to write when you’re not sure what to write about. Thoughts and ideas are bouncing back and forth against the inside cavities of my brain, and yet I can’t seem to catch one, pin it down, and write.
I suppose it might be easier if I had some sort of routine, some sort of schedule for what I’d discuss and share here, but I’ve learned that that sort of planning is futile. See, the funny thing about life is that it changes. It is never ever the same. It may certainly feel that way some times, but I assure you, it is always different.
In light of that fact, I have zero clue as to what the next hour, day, or week will look like for me. Scary, huh? No ability to plan. Sure, I can plan a little bit, but that must be flexible too. This is something I seriously suck at! Yes, I said “suck” because it is the best word to describe how awful I am at being flexible with my own life. One friend nicknamed me “The Agenda Nazi” and there’s a reason why it’s stuck. I like to know things. I like to be aware of my surroundings. I like having the full picture before choosing to make any sort of move. I like being able to weigh out the pros and cons of my food, my evenings, my big life decisions.
All this to say, I like having control.
And yet, the last couple of months for me have hardly been what I expected at all. Frankly, I never would’ve seen 90% of what happened coming. A dear friend got married to a faithful woman of God. I had to face the harsh realities of my family, particularly the health of my little brother, and that it changes on a dime. I entered into a relationship with someone that I care about very much and it quickly unraveled. I got to baptize my dad. I’ve been able to mentor an amazing woman who exudes God’s love on to everyone she meets. I’ve learned that vulnerability is the best way to be honest and loving with another person. It’s the crux of cultivating healthy relationships. And this isn’t even the half of it!
There have been extremely bright moments and extremely dark moments, depressing sadness, gut-wrenching grief, and spirit-lifting joy all wrapped up into one crazy set of months. Highs and lows, hills and valleys. Which as I’m writing now, I’m realizing that this is fact of Christian life as well. Life goes up and down. Things change, circumstances evolve, and nothing is permanent.
For the first time ever I understand this, not simply on the intellectual level, but from a real-life experience of this truth.
“Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.” – Luke 21:33
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.” – Psalm 119:76
“I the LORD do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed.” – Malachi 3:6
“Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,” – Hebrews 6:17-19
I’m hoping you see a theme here. Life changes, nothing here is permanent BUT the love of The Lord is unfailing. His goodness is constant. He doesn’t change. He will NEVER leave you. So then why do I cling to the things that can change, leave, fail, and crumble? Welp, God has pressed this into this Agenda Nazi’s life. My happiness, expectations, plans, the people in the my life WILL change. The waters will ebb and flow and the roller coaster of life will continue to shoot up and plunge downward. Yet, the Creator of the Universe doesn’t adhere to this inconsistency. He has control of my life and His goodness will never change.
In keeping with my necessity for guarantees and life as black and white, I try to leave little to change. I’ve never been a risk-taker. I’m certainly not a gambler. But for my life, I have the luxury of placing all of my bets on a sure thing. I cannot lose in Christ.
In what ways has your life been inconsistent? Changed? Wrecked you? In what ways do your expectations rest on those changing things? What if you rested in something eternal?